Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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