I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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