don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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