Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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