im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize