I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
