Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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