How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
