My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
