Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
