All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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