I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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