I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You are a genius and a whore.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
