just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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