Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
