if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
