My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
