I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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