How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
