Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
