the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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