I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
