Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
