1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
