Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize