Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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