We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
