yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
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