I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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