Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
