ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
