my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Couch. On fire.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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