I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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