His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
