a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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