i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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