So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
