I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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