Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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