Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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