dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
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Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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