I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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