Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
