i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
