if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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