Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We are two peas in an std pod
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
