Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
