You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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