if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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