I hope mine doesn't look like that
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
