The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize