you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
