My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
