my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Randomize
