All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
