The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I cockslap morals
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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