i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
